Im going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I wont be back for TEN MINUTES.
Bart, with $10,000, wed be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own.
Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So heres the deal:
You freeze everything the way it is, and I wont ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.
The strong must protect the sweet
Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?
Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, youd step over your own mother just to get one! But you cant stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
Remember as far as anyone knows, were a nice normal family.
I know what youre saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight.
Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!
Thats it! You people have stood in my way long enough. Im going to clown college!
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try.
God bless those pagans.
Im in a place where I dont know where I am!
I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t.
Oh, everythings too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybodys a sinner! Except this guy.
Mmmm, free goo.
Its not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
I cant believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!
Dont let Krustys death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.
Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! Ive seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Ha ha! Look at this country! ? U R Gay!? Ha ha! (looking at Uruguay on the globe).
Dont mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.
Donuts. Is there anything they cant do?
If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, theyre about to announce the lottery numbers!
Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!
Good drink... good meat... good God, lets eat!
Lord help me, Im just not that right.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations: You may outsmart someone!
I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
Beer. Now theres a temporary solution.
Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boys piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close.
Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing Id ever do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I dont care who I have to face, I dont care who I have to fight, I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign!
If they think Im going to stop at that stop sign, theyre sadly mistaken!
Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.
Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more accidents around here than any other employee, including a few doozies no one every found out about.
No, no, no, Lisa. If adults dont like their jobs, they dont go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed.
Simpson-Homer Simpson, hes the greatest guy in his-tor-y. From the town of Springfield, hes about to hit a chestnut tree....Doh! (sung to the air of Flintstones theme song) Ignore the boy, Lord.
Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we dont deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my French... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did... Youre everywhere, Youre omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?
You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, `Homer, youre a big disappointment, and God bless her soul, she was really onto something.
When will I learn? The answer to lifes problems arent at the bottom of a bottle, theyre on TV!
Trying is the first step towards failure.
Americas health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, ... well all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we dont live in Paraguay!
Whats the point of going out, were just going to end up back here anyway?
Dont eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them. (to aliens who abducted Simpson family)
I like my beer coldâ€¦my TV loudâ€¦and my homosexuals flaming.
The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Lets see. Dont tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless youre sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.
I think the saddest day of my life was when I realised I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.
And theres nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.
Being popular is the most important thing in the world!
Old people dont need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that womans bottom? Thats right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!!!
Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
Dont worry, son. Im sure hes up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin. (on death of cat).
And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
I wont sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks Im lazy! Im going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba- uh, goodnight.
Its like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.
Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.
OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, ILL KILL YOU!
Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?
Kids, kids. As far as Daddys concerned, youre both potential murderers.
No! No no no no no no! Well, yes.
Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.
Well, Im tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!
They have the Internet on computers, now?
Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything thats even remotely true!
When I look at the smiles on all the childrens faces,,...I just know theyre about to jab me with something.
Son, this is the only time Im ever gonna say this. It is not okay to lose.
Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
If something is to hard to do, then its not worth doing.
Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You
All right, lets not panic. Ill make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasnt, its that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
Aw, Dad, youve done a lot of great things, but youre a very old man, and old people are useless.
Its not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day. Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say youre prejudiced against all races.
Heres to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of lifes problems.
Im having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
If this were really a nuclear war wed all be dead meat by now.
Now Bart, since you broke Grandpas teeth, he gets to break yours.
Let us all bask in televisions warm glowing warming glow.
And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.
Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And Im tired of making other people feel good about themselves!
Ah, good ol trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesnt get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesnt get to go to college.
Dont you ever, EVER talk that way about television.
Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say its okay in the bible.
No matter how good you are at something, theres always about a million people better than you.
Marge, theres an empty spot Ive always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.
Im not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how Im going to Hell?
When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always wantn more... more... MORE! And if you give it to them, youll get plenty back in return.
If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who cant speak English.
Kids, kids. Im not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Marge, Im going to miss you so much. And its not just the sex. Its also the food preparation.
Ah, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me!
Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.
You think I dont want to? Its those TV networks, Marge: they wont let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves, but they wont! They wont let me live!
Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls...I want to live, Marge! Wont you let me live?
Ive always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and its me.
Lisa honey, are you saying youre never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say Yo Goober! Wheres the meat!?. Im trying to impress people here Lisa. You dont win friends with salad.
To Start Press Any Key. Wheres the ANY key?
You cant keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.
Now, son, you dont want to drink beer. Thats for daddies and kids with fake IDs.
English - Who needs that? Im never going to England!
I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when Im around!
Go ahead and play the blues if itll make you happy.